If you\u2019re having trouble determining where you stand, it may be helpful to write out your feelings or even make a list of how your life would look like in either scenario. Speak with parents and those who decided not to have a child about their experiences. Most importantly, determine whether or not having a kid with your partner is a need: Be honest with yourself and try to craft your position as though you weren\u2019t already intertwined in a relationship.<\/p>\n
2. Open a discussion with your partner sooner rather than later.<\/h3>\n![\"circlemagazine-circledna-partner-unsure-if-they-want-to-be-parents\"](\"https:\/\/images.unsplash.com\/photo-1505765052322-75804bb2e5f1?ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxzZWFyY2h8MTA5fHx0aGVyYXB5fGVufDB8fDB8fA%3D%3D&ixlib=rb-1.2.1&w=1000&q=80\")
<\/figure>\nOnce you\u2019ve solidified how you feel, it\u2019s time to open a discussion with your partner. Don\u2019t worry too much about it being \u201ctoo early\u201d to broach the subject\u2013 Ultimately, if parenthood is something you both want, knowing so ahead of time can help build a firm foundation for your relationship.<\/p>\n
Do, however, make sure you\u2019re broaching the subject when you have your partner\u2019s full attention. You could even carve out a block of time in your schedules to make sure you\u2019ll both be able to speak clearly and thoroughly on the topic at hand. With that in mind, don\u2019t be surprised if you don\u2019t get an \u201canswer\u201d during the first conversation. Your partner might need to spend some time on their own to figure out how they truly feel\u2013 Though this doesn\u2019t mean sweeping the issue under the rug.<\/p>\n
3. Identify the core reasoning for your partner\u2019s position.<\/h3>\n
When your partner shares his or her position on parenthood, try to listen openly without judgement as much as possible. This is also a key time to piece together the reasoning behind your partner\u2019s position. Is this clearly something he or she does not want? Or do they feel like they haven\u2019t reached an ideal point in their lives to have children? Are they worried about being a \u201cgood\u201d mother\/father based on the past?<\/p>\n
The reasoning is important since it will determine whether or not your partner does not want to have kids now<\/em>, or just doesn\u2019t want children at all. You should also make your feelings clear to take away any ambiguity.<\/p>\n4. Consider other alternatives.<\/h3>\n
It\u2019s possible that your partner is terrified of the prospect of having a newborn, but would be willing to embrace an older child. Be sure to discuss all options such as adoption, co-parenting models, etc. with your partner. Make sure that any proposed alternative doesn\u2019t feel like you\u2019re giving up your dream as a parent.<\/p>\n
5. Speak with a professional.<\/h3>\n![\"circlemagazine-circledna-partner-unsure-if-they-want-to-be-parents\"](\"https:\/\/images.unsplash.com\/photo-1593444286621-98245b7d4530?ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxzZWFyY2h8ODR8fHRoZXJhcHl8ZW58MHx8MHx8&ixlib=rb-1.2.1&w=1000&q=80\")
<\/figure>\nOftentimes, it can help to have an outside opinion from someone who is trained to help you parse through the politics of your relationship. If you and your partner have consistently tried to have \u201cthe talk\u201d and aren\u2019t getting any clarity, seek out sessions with a couple\u2019s counsellor. While it may seem like an unnecessary expense, it will save you and your partner potentially years of heartache, so it\u2019s certainly worth it.<\/p>\n
Some couples counsellors who have a lot of experience counselling couples who are having trouble deciding whether they should be having children, encourage thought exercises.<\/p>\n
Thought exercises often involve each of you taking a weekend alone to vividly imagine life with kids. The exercise is often repeated, this time imagining life without kids.<\/p>\n
A counsellor might also suggest taking time and space apart from each other, to reflect and think about this decision alone.<\/p>\n
6. Be honest with yourself and your partner.<\/h3>\n
As said wisely by Maya Angelou, \u201cWhen someone shows you who they are, believe them.\u201d This is an important premise to keep in mind while opening these discussions with your significant other. It\u2019s all too easy to hold onto false hope that your partner will change his or her mind down the road, or spontaneously realize it\u2019s what they want after getting married.<\/p>\n
Resist the urge to believe these fantasies and listen to your partner if they\u2019re firm that they do not want children. Avoiding the truth only delays and exacerbates conflict down the road. If being a parent isn\u2019t something your partner wants, it\u2019s probably not something they\u2019re going to want in 5 years, either.<\/p>\n
7. Do what\u2019s best for you.<\/h3>\n
The most difficult part of this process is feeling like you don\u2019t have control over your plans. Obviously, you love your partner, but there are some needs that are impossible to ignore, like the desire to be a parent.<\/p>\n
Fortunately, you do have control: You can decide to truly listen to your partner\u2019s feelings, and base your decisions on whether or not his or her plans align with your needs. Listen to your inner voice and if you need to cut the cord, so be it.<\/p>\n
After all, we only get one life, so it\u2019s critical that you are able to carry out your deepest desires to become a parent, even if that doesn\u2019t align with your current partner\u2019s needs. You deserve to be a parent as much as your partner deserves the right to exist child-free. Oftentimes, making a decision on these matters is simple, but not always the easiest. Be brave for your future self.<\/p>\n
Family Planning<\/h2>\n
<\/figure>\nOnce you\u2019ve solidified how you feel, it\u2019s time to open a discussion with your partner. Don\u2019t worry too much about it being \u201ctoo early\u201d to broach the subject\u2013 Ultimately, if parenthood is something you both want, knowing so ahead of time can help build a firm foundation for your relationship.<\/p>\n
Do, however, make sure you\u2019re broaching the subject when you have your partner\u2019s full attention. You could even carve out a block of time in your schedules to make sure you\u2019ll both be able to speak clearly and thoroughly on the topic at hand. With that in mind, don\u2019t be surprised if you don\u2019t get an \u201canswer\u201d during the first conversation. Your partner might need to spend some time on their own to figure out how they truly feel\u2013 Though this doesn\u2019t mean sweeping the issue under the rug.<\/p>\n
3. Identify the core reasoning for your partner\u2019s position.<\/h3>\n
When your partner shares his or her position on parenthood, try to listen openly without judgement as much as possible. This is also a key time to piece together the reasoning behind your partner\u2019s position. Is this clearly something he or she does not want? Or do they feel like they haven\u2019t reached an ideal point in their lives to have children? Are they worried about being a \u201cgood\u201d mother\/father based on the past?<\/p>\n
The reasoning is important since it will determine whether or not your partner does not want to have kids now<\/em>, or just doesn\u2019t want children at all. You should also make your feelings clear to take away any ambiguity.<\/p>\n It\u2019s possible that your partner is terrified of the prospect of having a newborn, but would be willing to embrace an older child. Be sure to discuss all options such as adoption, co-parenting models, etc. with your partner. Make sure that any proposed alternative doesn\u2019t feel like you\u2019re giving up your dream as a parent.<\/p>\n Oftentimes, it can help to have an outside opinion from someone who is trained to help you parse through the politics of your relationship. If you and your partner have consistently tried to have \u201cthe talk\u201d and aren\u2019t getting any clarity, seek out sessions with a couple\u2019s counsellor. While it may seem like an unnecessary expense, it will save you and your partner potentially years of heartache, so it\u2019s certainly worth it.<\/p>\n Some couples counsellors who have a lot of experience counselling couples who are having trouble deciding whether they should be having children, encourage thought exercises.<\/p>\n Thought exercises often involve each of you taking a weekend alone to vividly imagine life with kids. The exercise is often repeated, this time imagining life without kids.<\/p>\n A counsellor might also suggest taking time and space apart from each other, to reflect and think about this decision alone.<\/p>\n As said wisely by Maya Angelou, \u201cWhen someone shows you who they are, believe them.\u201d This is an important premise to keep in mind while opening these discussions with your significant other. It\u2019s all too easy to hold onto false hope that your partner will change his or her mind down the road, or spontaneously realize it\u2019s what they want after getting married.<\/p>\n Resist the urge to believe these fantasies and listen to your partner if they\u2019re firm that they do not want children. Avoiding the truth only delays and exacerbates conflict down the road. If being a parent isn\u2019t something your partner wants, it\u2019s probably not something they\u2019re going to want in 5 years, either.<\/p>\n The most difficult part of this process is feeling like you don\u2019t have control over your plans. Obviously, you love your partner, but there are some needs that are impossible to ignore, like the desire to be a parent.<\/p>\n Fortunately, you do have control: You can decide to truly listen to your partner\u2019s feelings, and base your decisions on whether or not his or her plans align with your needs. Listen to your inner voice and if you need to cut the cord, so be it.<\/p>\n After all, we only get one life, so it\u2019s critical that you are able to carry out your deepest desires to become a parent, even if that doesn\u2019t align with your current partner\u2019s needs. You deserve to be a parent as much as your partner deserves the right to exist child-free. Oftentimes, making a decision on these matters is simple, but not always the easiest. Be brave for your future self.<\/p>\n4. Consider other alternatives.<\/h3>\n
5. Speak with a professional.<\/h3>\n
6. Be honest with yourself and your partner.<\/h3>\n
7. Do what\u2019s best for you.<\/h3>\n
Family Planning<\/h2>\n