Decades of scientific research has gone into understanding attachment theory. The attachment theory was first developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. Much literature has been based on their theories of attachment styles.<\/p>\n
The attachment theory is one of the most advanced and one of the most accurate relationship sciences out there, and psychologists and counselors reference it in couples therapy and individual counseling all the time.<\/p>\n
A person\u2019s attachment style<\/a> is shaped by their early childhood experiences, based on how their caregivers such as their mother and father cared for them, or in some cases, neglected them.<\/p>\n In addition to early childhood experiences, general life experiences (including trauma that occurs when you\u2019re an adult) can also impact your attachment style.<\/p>\n The four main attachment styles are:<\/p>\n These attachment styles impact us as adults, and one of the adult experiences impacted the most by attachment styles is adult relationships.<\/p>\n In this article, we\u2019re going to focus on two clashing attachment styles: anxious attachment style vs avoidant attachment style.<\/strong><\/p>\n We\u2019ll be referencing one of the most renowned books on attachment theory out there. The book is entitled, Attached<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>and it was written by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.<\/p>\n Dr. Amir Levine, is an adult, child and adolescent psychiatrist and neuroscientist.<\/p>\n Rachel Heller holds a master\u2019s degree in social-organizational psychology from Columbia University.<\/p>\n In their book, they explain that those with an anxious attachment style tend to be too preoccupied with their relationships, often worrying about their partner\u2019s ability to love them back, and being anxious about where they stand in their partner\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to equate intimacy with a loss of independence, and they tend to try to minimize closeness with various distancing strategies.<\/p>\n Before we get into why these two attachment styles struggle to be in a relationship with each other, let\u2019s define both anxious attachment style<\/em> and avoidant attachment style<\/em> in more detail.<\/p>\n Those who have an anxious attachment style typically know that\u2019s their attachment style. However, with the help of Levine and Heller\u2019s book Attached, <\/em>which bases its questionnaire on the updated Experience in Close Relationships (ECR) questionnaire from Kelly Brennan, Catherine Clark, and Phillip Shaver, you can decipher your attachment style. The updated questionnaire was developed by Chris Fraley, Niels Waller, and Kelly Brennan, and it is called the ECR-R questionnaire. Levine and Heller modified it for adult relationships.<\/p>\n Below are some signs that you might have an anxious attachment style:<\/p>\n Someone with an anxious attachment style is probably better off dating someone with a secure attachment style, because those with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy, and recognize the positives of being close with someone.<\/p>\n If someone with an anxious attachment style tries to date someone with an avoidant attachment style, their partner\u2019s avoidant personality will only exacerbate their anxiety.<\/p>\n This dynamic could easily become a toxic relationship.<\/p>\n There are many reasons why an avoidant is not a good match for someone with an anxious attachment style, but first, let\u2019s define the avoidant attachment style.<\/p>\n Do you have an avoidant attachment style? The closer your partner wants to get to you, the more you have the urge to run away? If you have an avoidant personality, you likely have an avoidant attachment style.<\/p>\n Courtesy of Levine and Heller and my own research and interpretation, below are some signs that you have an avoidant attachment style:<\/p>\n Levine and Heller describe those with an avoidant attachment style as those who tend to keep love at arm\u2019s length.<\/strong><\/p>\n This type of behavior is very distressing to those with an anxious attachment style who crave a close connection. (If their partner was less avoidant, they\u2019d likely have less conflict because they\u2019d feel more secure, and more emotionally safe.)<\/p>\n Levine and Heller explain that avoidants tend to devalue the relationship they\u2019re in, and they often instead reminisce about a long-lost love<\/strong>, which is referred to as The Phantom Ex Phenomenon.<\/strong><\/p>\n Levine and Heller explain in Attached<\/em> that the reason why avoidants tend to put their ex on a pedestal is because, \u201cOnce at a safe distance, the threat of intimacy is gone, and you no longer feel the need to suppress your true feelings. You can then recall all of your ex\u2019s great qualities, convincing yourself that he or she was the best partner you ever had.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, an ex who is no longer interested in you, the avoidant, is the ex you\u2019ll never stop thinking about.<\/em><\/p>\n On a similar note, Levine and Heller ask the potentially avoidant reader, \u201cHave you ever gone out with someone who you think is amazing, but as you start to get closer, you become overwhelmed with the feeling that s\/he isn\u2019t actually so hot after all?\u201d To explain this phenomenon, Levine and Heller go on to say, \u201cWhat you don\u2019t realize is this surge of negativity could in fact be a deactivating strategy, unconsciously triggered to turn off your attachment needs.\u201d<\/p>\n In other words, avoidants need to rewire their brain to stop only<\/em> wanting what they can\u2019t have, and start appreciating genuine connections while they\u2019re happening.<\/strong> This involves a lot of inner work, and it\u2019s best to see a qualified therapist \u2013 even if it\u2019s just for a couple of sessions to get some strategies from them.<\/p>\n Learning deactivating strategies could help an avoidant stop pushing love away. Be aware that your brain could be playing tricks on you, and as Levine and Heller explain, \u201cRemember that you need intimacy, despite being uncomfortable with it.\u201d<\/strong> If you only allow intimacy to take place on your terms, it\u2019s not real intimacy, and it won\u2019t be the kind of intimacy you truly need.<\/p>\n We\u2019ve already explained that someone with an anxious attachment style should probably not date someone with an avoidant attachment style. Although an avoidant can get help to become someone with a secure attachment style, and so can someone with an anxious attachment style, this takes time. Until a secure attachment style is earned, and an anxious or avoidant attachment style is unlearned, it\u2019s not wise to attempt being in a relationship with each other.<\/p>\n What happens when anxious individuals try to date avoidants? Levine and Heller call this the \u2018anxious-avoidant trap\u2019:<\/p>\n \u201cWhile one partner truly wants intimacy, the other feels very uncomfortable when things become too close.\u201d<\/p>\n Or, what often happens from my experience, is that avoidants want intimacy \u2013 but only on their <\/em>terms. <\/strong>They say when, they say how, and it becomes distressing for the other party. It\u2019s very common for someone with an avoidant attachment style to withdraw after a period of closeness, despite perhaps being aware of how hurtful their withdrawal will be to their partner. The period of closeness was perceived as a threat by the avoidant, so they withdraw to keep love at arm\u2019s length.<\/strong><\/p>\n Levine and Heller call this the \u201cincongruent intimacy needs\u201d <\/strong>that occur when someone with an anxious attachment style tries to date an avoidant, and it can lead to a lot of hurt feelings, depression, conflict, and misunderstandings. This is because their need for closeness and intimacy is incompatible. One tends to seek proximity, and the other tends to seek distance.<\/strong><\/p>\n When an avoidant dates an anxious partner, they\u2019ll notice fights generally have an underlying theme of a point of contention regarding the amount of intimacy between the two of them.<\/strong><\/p>\n Sometimes, when these two individuals with opposing attachment styles truly want to be with each other, they\u2019ll be wise enough to attend couples counseling. <\/strong>A qualified counselor can help each of them unlearn their unhealthy attachment style behaviors<\/strong>, first by understanding why it\u2019s happening, and then with strategies to unlearn the unhealthy attachment style.<\/p>\n Attachment styles can<\/em> change, and even if you\u2019ve had the same attachment style all your life, you can unlearn it if you set out to do so for the sake of your future relationships.<\/p>\n Levine and Heller explain that a secure attachment style can be learned <\/strong>and, \u201cPriming for security can be as simple as thinking about secure people around you, and how they behave in relationships.\u201d Your relationship with your pet could even be an example of your capabilities of being in a secure relationship. Once you prime yourself for security by thinking about these sorts of examples, you\u2019re ready to start applying it to your own adult relationships.<\/p>\n An avoidant rarely dates another avoidant, because someone with an avoidant attachment style enjoys feeling strong and independent. They often enjoy having the upper hand.<\/p>\n The avoidant cannot feel strong and independent if the person they\u2019re dating shares the same avoidant tendencies as they do. <\/strong>They feel better when they\u2019re pushing away someone with an anxious attachment style, for example, as this distancing act and withholding dance makes them feel more independent, more powerful, safer, and more in control.<\/p>\n In the book Attached, <\/em>Levine and Heller explain, \u201cAvoidants feel independent and powerful only to the extent that their partner feels needy . . . \u201d <\/strong>So, this explains why avoidants tend to choose anxious partners. They\u2019ll always have the upper hand. Levine and Heller go on to explain,<\/p>\n \u201cThe anxious partner is usually the one who has to make concessions and accept the rules imposed by the avoidant partner.\u201d<\/p>\n This may be because the anxious individuals tend to be more anxious to resolve conflict in an effort to be close to their partner, so they\u2019re more willing to sacrifice their needs and make concessions. The avoidant personality type doesn\u2019t tend to be as anxious to \u2018make it work\u2019.<\/p>\n Your DNA does impact your attachment style to some degree. For example, it can be in your DNA to be more of a \u2018worrier\u2019. For more information on certain behavioral and personality traits that you\u2019re genetically more likely to have, take a DNA test<\/a> from CirlceDNA. Note that one\u2019s attachment style is primarily based on upbringing and life experiences, but various personality traits associated with anxiety or avoidance are in part genetic.<\/p>\n Resources:<\/em><\/p>\n 1. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find \u2013 and Keep \u2013 Love <\/em>by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.<\/p>\nWhat are the Different Attachment Styles?<\/h2>\n
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<\/figure>\nAnxious Attachment Style Explained<\/h2>\n
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Avoidant Attachment Style Explained<\/h2>\n
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<\/figure>\nThe Anxious-Avoidant Trap<\/h2>\n
Why Don\u2019t Avoidants Date Other Avoidants?<\/h2>\n
Is Your Attachment Style Genetic?<\/h2>\n