It\u2019s like the old saying goes: It\u2019s not what you say, it\u2019s how you say it<\/em>. This is good advice, but there is a bit more to it. How you say things is only one component of effective communication. What you say is just as important. The what <\/em>is the main reason you are trying to speak to someone, therefore be sure you know what you\u2019re trying to communicate. Know what your priorities are in having the conversation, and don\u2019t lose sight of your end goal. Most importantly understand and communicate why it is important to you, and important to the relationship<\/em>. Simply put: communicate what<\/em> the issue is and what you need or wan<\/em>t out of the conversation.<\/p>\n Some people are naturally great communicators, or have a high level of emotional intelligence<\/a> and the ability to communicate effectively. However, it\u2019s extremely common to fall short in the communication skills department as well \u2013 no matter how intelligent you are.<\/p>\n Understanding how to communicate the right way will help you avoid inadvertently communicating in a way that pushes your partner away. Communication skills can make or break a relationship.<\/p>\n Below are some tips that can help you better communicate and express yourself in a relationship:<\/p>\n Whenever possible, do not give the silent treatment or stonewall your partner or the person you\u2019re dating. <\/strong>Avoid raised voices and be sure to avoid assumptions or accusations. Be mindful of non-verbal language (i.e. eye rolling and scoffing) and stay away from sarcasm and put-downs.<\/p>\n Before you go into a specific interaction, figure out what your priorities are. \u00a0Should you be prioritizing this relationship, your partner, or do you need to prioritize yourself? Likely, if you are trying to be heard in a relationship, you want to maintain the relationship, therefore the relationship is the priority. <\/strong>And if you need to prioritize yourself, well, that may be a different conversation altogether.<\/p>\n Relationships require a healthy amount of give and take to work, so when you\u2019re prioritizing the relationship, compromise should be expected.<\/p>\n Ask yourself this: what are you hoping to accomplish with your partner? Is there something you need your partner to do for you, or stop doing? Perhaps you simply want your partner to take out the trash. Great! Your goal is, \u201cGet my partner to take out trash.\u201d<\/p>\n Are you just hoping your partner will sit down with you and share how their day went? Great! The goal is better communication. The nature of your goal will likely change how and when you approach your partner. If you want the trash taken out, it\u2019s probably not the best idea to ask them as they get into bed. Having a specific goal in mind is key to effective communication. <\/strong>It is also a necessary part of managing your own expectations. If you don\u2019t have a specific goal in mind going into a conversation, you likely will be dissatisfied no matter what your partner does.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s not make a mountain out of a molehill by communicating in an exaggerated or vague manner. If you want to communicate a need or a frustration to your partner, keep it simple, specific, and on topic.<\/p>\n For example, if you are upset because your partner stayed out all night and did not text you, communicate the specifics. Avoid going off about all the times they have done this, or other ways they don\u2019t meet your needs. Stick to a specific incidence in which your partner stayed out too late.<\/p>\n Good communication sounds like: \u201cThe other night when you didn\u2019t come home until 2 a.m., I got worried and felt disrespected.\u201d<\/p>\n Bad communication sounds like: \u201cYou always stay out too late and never text me.\u201d<\/p>\n The more specific you are with a request or a concern, the more likely it is that the other person will be able to meet your needs.<\/strong> Take this scenario: one partner feels they are doing more around the house than the other and they make vague statements such as, \u201cI do more work around the house\u201d or, \u201cI wish you would clean up more.\u201d While this expresses the issue, there is no direct request. It is unclear what steps the partner who is not cleaning enough could take to solve the problem.<\/p>\n Imagine the results if you got more specific. Instead, one should ask their partner to do a load of laundry on Thursday nights. This directedness leaves no room for interpretation, and \u00a0you are effectively communicating an exact need.<\/p>\n This may be the most important tip in this article. Expressing concerns in a relationship should not ever be tit-for-tat. If your partner brings up a concern to you, focus on that. Don\u2019t take this as an opportunity to express your concerns about them. Our brains can only process so much information at once.<\/strong><\/p>\n In other words, when communicating with your partner, sometimes less is more! Learning how to communicate the healthy way requires an understanding that less is more, because if you don\u2019t overwhelm your partner, they\u2019re more likely to hear you.<\/strong> If you are frustrated because your partner leaves their shoes in the middle of the hallway, say that. Don\u2019t go off about how messy they are all the time, or how they never pick up their things.<\/p>\n Furthermore, responding to a partner\u2019s need with your own can come off as selfish and defensive, as you are both focussing on yourself while avoiding addressing each other\u2019s needs. When you respond to their needs with one of your own, they certainly won\u2019t feel heard. If what they say brings up something for you, it might be best to save that conversation for a different day.<\/p>\n Despite what you might think, your partner does not always know what you\u2019re thinking. What might be obvious to you is not always obvious to them. If you don\u2019t know what your partner is feeling, ask them. We may think we are communicating a need by rolling our eyes when the house is messy, or by making passive comments like, \u201cI never see you anymore.\u201d But we aren\u2019t \u2014\u2013 something is being assumed here, and will likely get lost in translation. More often than not, couples will comment that the other person \u201cShould<\/em> have known\u201d. We are not fortune-tellers (and even if you are, you probably can\u2019t tell the future). So don\u2019t assume your partner is. Shutting down, being passive-aggressive, or acting angry to \u201cmake them understand\u201d is toxic<\/a> and unhealthy. If you want to communicate, be open, direct, and don\u2019t assume that what you\u2019re thinking is obvious. Many relationship conflicts could be avoided if we let go of this assumption! In fact, many relationship conflicts could be avoided if we asked questions instead of assuming things<\/strong> \u2013 in general.<\/p>\n One of the biggest things that gets in the way of effective communication of a need is one person feeling attacked or burdened. Someone can easily feel attacked if the other person doesn\u2019t know how to communicate their issue the right way.<\/p>\n This is especially hard in the beginning of a relationship. You are testing the waters with a new person and want to make sure you get what you need out of this new relationship, but you also don\u2019t want to sound too needy or pushy. Everyone feels that way, and there\u2019s a very simple way to deal with it. For example: maybe the person you have been dating has not texted you in a few days.<\/p>\n Your first instinct might be to ask them, \u201cWhy haven\u2019t you texted me back?\u201d, but tread lightly with this, as this can be interpreted as \u201cdemanding\u201d they text you. Instead, express how it makes you feel when you don\u2019t hear from them.<\/p>\n For example, a healthier and more effective way of communicating is: \u201cI\u2019ve really enjoyed getting to know you, and getting texts from you when I\u2019m at work makes my day. When we go days without talking, I feel a little down.\u201d Follow up with a specific goal: \u201cCan we agree to text more as we get to know each other?\u201d<\/p>\n This style of communication is effective because it\u2019s not combative in nature, it takes away the blame<\/strong>, and will help avoid situations where Mr. Does-Not-Text shuts down rather than addresses the issue. Now it has become a request, rather than demand.<\/p>\n If you want to be heard in a relationship, you also need to listen. Whether you\u2019re simply asking your partner how their day went, or making a request about something that\u2019s important to you, they too want to feel heard and understood. For example, imagine you and your partner just moved in together and have been struggling with sharing a bedroom for the first time. One of you likes heavy blankets and snores, the other person uses their reading lamp before bed \u00a0\u2014\u2013 you both need to work together to figure out how you can co-sleep in a way that works, and feel rested. Making changes (separate blankets, earplugs, an eye mask, a dimmer reading light) is the first step, but you must also check-in with one another to see how these changes are working. Simply asking, \u201cHow did you sleep last night?\u201d does not leave much room for the other person to express themselves if they struggle with communication.<\/p>\n It would be more helpful to ask open-ended questions<\/strong> such as: \u201cWhat worked well last night with our sleeping arrangement?\u201d This way, you might avoid the one-word answer that good communicators dread: \u201cfine.\u201d If you are giving your partner space to communicate, make sure you\u2019re actively listening and validating their feelings in return. The tricky part of validation is that you need to remember that you can validate them even if you don\u2019t agree with what they are saying<\/em>. Read that again if you need to.<\/p>\n How do you do this? Validate the emotion <\/em>they\u2019re expressing, <\/em>not the statement itself. <\/strong>Returning to our example, your partner may respond to your question about the sleeping arrangements in a negative way, \u201cNothing worked! This is stupid!\u201d In this case, you would not want to validate that \u201cthis is stupid.\u201d Instead, recognize the emotion behind this statement, which in this case is frustration. An example of a response: \u201cIt sounds like you are frustrated with this situation, and I can understand why you would feel this way.\u201d By acknowledging and validating your partner\u2019s emotional experience, you are communicated that their experience matters.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not dismissing their experience or their feelings, and they\u2019ll feel heard.<\/p>\n If you are able to get your specific needs met in the conversation and communicate effectively, the relationship is more likely to succeed. For example, if your goal is to have your partner be \u201cunplugged\u201d when hanging out, make sure to let them know how this will benefit both of you. Although \u00a0this request is a need you<\/em> want to be met, you are more likely to get what you want if you make it clear as to how this will benefit both of you<\/em>. In this case, being \u201cunplugged\u201d while spending time together will strengthen communication, allow you both to spend quality time together without distractions, make each person in the relationship feel like a priority, and ultimately make your relationship stronger and improve your bond.<\/p>\n Is there room for some give and take? Some people forget how crucial give and take is in a relationship. Coming to an understanding is the goal of most communication. <\/strong>Whether you are addressing a conflict in your relationship or having a discussion about what kind of dog you would adopt, ultimately some sort of compromise could be in the best interest of both of you. You want a date night every Saturday night, your partner can\u2019t commit to that. Is there a middle ground you are willing to come to in order to move forward? Date night every two weeks?<\/p>\n The ability to compromise requires a lot of emotional intelligence (EQ). Your DNA plays a part in how emotionally intelligent you are, but anyone can improve their EQ. You can always take a DNA test and read about your genetic traits<\/a>, such as whether or not you\u2019re genetically more likely to have higher or lower emotional intelligence.<\/p>\n Common advice when it comes to healthy relationships is: \u201cNever go to bed angry.\u201d This can often be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes, going to bed angry and taking space from a conversation that is not going anywhere is exactly what we need. Perhaps if you didn\u2019t resume tomorrow, all that would happen is that the conflict would escalate instead of resolve.<\/p>\n When emotions are high, we tend to lose the ability to communicate effectively.<\/strong> In this case, both parties can agree to literally put the conversation to bed and come back to it in the morning. More often than not, couples admit to saying things they don\u2019t mean in the heat of the moment. Or, they mean it, but it has come out the wrong way. There is a point when our emotions run so hot \u00a0that we are unable to access the reasonable part of our brains. When the emotional center in the brain is on fire, so is our attitude and lack of patience. Our emotions are serving an important purpose in this instance and letting us know it\u2019s likely not the best time to be hashing anything out. Listen to your gut and walk away. Come back when emotions calm down<\/a> and you\u2019re able to think with facts instead of feelings.<\/p>\n Ultimately, communication is a skill, and all skills take practice.<\/strong> This is not a one-stop shop for being the best communicator, but rather a guide to make you more mindful about you and your partner\u2019s communication styles. Keep in mind we can only control how we communicate, we can\u2019t control how one responds to our communication! If you are having trouble communicating, consider reaching out to a qualified therapist to help guide you towards healthier communication habits.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The most common reason a couple will seek therapy tends to be a communication breakdown in the relationship. 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<\/figure>\n1. Avoid Unhealthy Communication<\/h2>\n
2. Clarify Your Priorities<\/h2>\n
3. Identify Your Goal<\/h2>\n
4. How to Communicate Better by Being Specific<\/h2>\n
5. Don\u2019t Respond to a Need with a Need<\/h2>\n
6. Remember That They Can\u2019t Read Your Mind<\/h2>\n
7. Express Feelings, Not Demands<\/h2>\n
8. Listen and Validate<\/h2>\n
9. Express How This Could Benefit You Both<\/h2>\n
10. Compromise, Because Relationships are About Give and Take<\/h2>\n
11. Sometimes, it\u2019s Okay to Go to Bed Angry<\/h2>\n